Title : AS SURE AS THE SUN
Written by SeudSidle
Chapter
4
[Sara Sidle]
"How is she?"
"Broken collarbone, fractures of the 5th and 6th ribs, maybe a chip at the 7th
rib but that's debatable. Broken leg, she will need a surgery for that. I'm
worried about the head wood although, she seems a little…"
"Yeah, that worries me too. A concussion maybe?"
"We really can't tell, a scan can show more but she's responding well. Don't
forget she's into shock now, probably that's why she's dazed. You look pretty
upset, is she your daughter?"
I want to tell them to shut the fuck up and let me sleep. My head is beating so
hard and I can feel the cold sandwich I had few hours ago threading to leave my
stomach. For whom they are talking about? Ugh! Just shut up.
Why I can't open my eyes? The world is spinning around me, is as if I'm in a
Ferris wheel and some sick bastard put the top speed. I always was afraid of
Ferris wheels. They scare me. I have this fear that it will stop when I'm in the
top and then I will fall. I hate Ferris wheels. Stop! I want to get out.
I must fell asleep for a while cause the voices stopped. My nausea don't. Even
in my sleep I can feel the sandwich battle inside me. I swallow hard. A dim
lights wakes me. This time I open my eyes. A stranger flashes a light in my
eyes.
"Wh—"
I don't finish my sentence. I puke. I try to turn my head but I can't move it.
Something holds it still. I puke all over me. I hear a curse and then my mind
cleans a little and I realise that the stranger with the light saw me. I want to
clean myself but my arms are heavy and hurt. I never felt so embarrassed in my
life. Is this a dream? I want to get out.
I start to cry.
"It's okay girl, don't worry. Tommy here will clean you."
Only my one eye is open but I can't tell which one. I'm starting to understand
things. I talked to Brass, what did he said to me? It's all covered with fog.
Greg! Where's Greg? He's not here with me. I'm alone in a spinning room with
some black guy with gently voice.
He cleans me with something. I can smell the alcohol. His movements are as
gently as his voice and somehow that calms me. I know that I'm in good hands. I
know that I had some kind of an accident; I can taste the blood in my mouth.
"I was I in an accident?"
"You don't remember?"
I shake my head or at least that was my attention. I can't remember as hard as I
try. I remember Greg, laughing about Brass for some reason, and then I remember
Grissom, we talked about the case. What was the guys name? I can't remember.
"The lab?"
I ask but I honesty can't remember. My last memory is talking to someone about a
baby. A baby girl. Not mine. You need two for that. My head is spinning. I want
to sleep.
"Can you tell me what day we have today?"
"I wa..nt to sleep."
My eyes close. I feel so tired, like I was running all day. I've never felt so
tired in my life. It's a new feeling for me. I never get really tired. Even when
I'm tired I convince myself that I'm not, that I have to continue. I need to
last longer than the others do, so that weakness scares the shit out of me.
Maybe if I sleep, the bonders in my hands will go and I'll be free again.
**********
"……Cannnn youuuuu hearrrr meeeee????"
Huh? Are they talking to me? Why they don't let my sleep? So tired…my leg is
burning me, what happen to me? This time my arm is free, but when I try to move
it, a piercing pain shakes my body. I hear a scream, it must be me screaming.
"What's her name?"
What's my name? Why doesn't the voice ask me? I can answer him. My name
is..Sa-ra. Why I have trouble remembering my name? It follows me all my life. I
never like it but I wouldn't let anyone call me with my first name. Damn
hippie's parents! I had to change it; I switched it when I turned old enough to
do that. Not that I let anyone call me Oc..Ugh!
"Hold her arm damn it!"
"Sara, can you hear me?"
The dim light again. This time I wake. A doctor is bent over me and checks my
eyes pupils. Someone else, which I can't see put something in my hand and then
I'm floated for a second but enough to make me feel nauseous again.
"Sara, I need you to tell me if that hurts. Can you do that?"
He pushes the area of my belly. That tickles. I don't feel pain until he reaches
my ribs. A painful groan escapes my lips. He says good, but what's good in
hurting? A nurse- I know that he is nurse cause he's wearing a different uniform
colour put something in my face. I breathe in this thing.
"Your shinbone is broken, we'll remove the temporary splint and you'll go up for
a surgery, we'll place you a metal rod. You've nothing to worry about. Now,
count from ten to one."
Someone whispers in my ear and I do what the voice asks me.
"Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…th……"
**********
When I wake up I have a hard time realise where I am. That's not my bed. I sleep
in my side, my bed had take the shape of my body, so that's not my bed. It's
hard and kind uncomfortable in a way I can't describe. The smell is weird too.
My house smells like bleach and sandalwood, mostly because I burn sandalwood
sticks. They make my mood better.
After my suspension I had to help myself. I was falling apart and no one could
help me. I had to help myself. It took me about five minutes to realise that I
didn't like myself. I was becoming all the things I didn't want to be. If I
didn't like myself how the hell will people like me?
I went to my counselor and asked help. He gave me the number of a psychologist
with specialty in cases as mine. I closed an appointment for the following day.
I didn't expect what I saw. Dr. Cain wasn't what I expected. He was more of an
old hippie than of a professional.
He was accepting people in his house, a lovely apartment in down town. The view
from his house is absolutely wonderful. His first words were that he chose that
house because of the view. He said that the view heals his soul. And then he
asked me what heal my soul. I couldn't answer him then.
Now I can, therefore I know that I'll get through this. I know that I pushed
people out but I had to find myself. I have to speak to Nick for, I don't know,
five days? We don't hang out as we used to. We work different hours and believe
it or not I have a life. Funny, isn't? After five years I finally found a life
outside the lab and thanks to what? My suspension.
I swim three kilometres the day. I was in the swimming team back in high school;
I stopped when I went to Harvard. I started again two months ago. It's like sex,
you never forget it. Freestyle and butterfly, 100m, 200m and 400m. Butterfly
100m and 200m. Freestyle 200m and 400m. I was pretty good. I could make it to
trials but in the mid time, I'd lost the joy and my times went downhill.
Now I swim for the joy of the act. This is how I heal my soul. I'm going four
times the week to Dr. Cain. Each time after I finish the three kilometres. It's
like a ritual. I started photography lessons. I like black and white photos. My
issues are always from the Vegas night. My teacher, Lauren Smith says that I
have talent; I say that I had lot of practice.
I meditate before I go to work. I clean my mind for two hours. I don't think
anything for two hours. Nor my last case nor the victims. I can't help them. I'm
coming to their lives after their need for help. My job isn't to help them, my
job is to understand the way. I haven't had a single nightmare those two months.
I sleep five hours the day, that's two more that I used too. I gained two
pounds.
I don't let anyone close to me. I need this time for myself. I know that they
probably thing that I'm falling apart but actually it's kind the opposite. I
enjoy myself again. I talked with all of my old friends; I even invite one of
them to Vegas. I hope she will come; we used to have so much fun back to Frisco.
However, I can't let Greg, Nick, or even Grissom near me. I need all my focus to
myself.
"Good, you're awake."
A doctor says and checks my file. He writes something down and turns to me. He
explains my condition and I'm happy to learn that I'll be out of the hospital
and into my bed in less than two days. Of course that will ruin my program but I
don't care. Two months ago I would have been cursing my life, now I know that
I'm strong enough to handle this.
I'm better than this.
"Hey sweetheart, can I come?"
Brass.
"I asked for you."
"Yes, you did."
He comes closer.
"But why?"
I smile or at least I think that I'm smiling. I can't feel the left side of my
body. Whatever they gave to me, I like it.
"He's angry?"
I ask.
"More frustrated."
"If something happens to me, something more permanent, I want for him to learn
it from you. Not from some stranger with any sense of humour."
"Don't you think that it's time to start thinking `bout yourself?"
"Mmm."
"Can I do anything for you? Want to bring you something, a magazine, or a book?"
"The new issue of B&W."
"That stands for what? Business&Work?"
He's trying to make my laugh and he's doing a great job. I like Brass more than
most people believe. He has this I-don't-give-a-damn attitude, which I found
extremely charming. I'm not into old guys, yeah I uh, love Grissom but not
because he's old. I'm not looking for a `daddy'. In Frisco, I was going out with
someone five years younger than I was. Information that Greg can't get access to
it.
"No, that stands for Black&White."
He chokes and a small laugh escapes my lips. Sometimes he's so naïve. I know
that most people-even my friends-think that I'm a living Pollyanna. I tried when
I was younger to read one book and it's the only book that I gave it away. Not
my way, sorry. I have a dark side. I denied it for so long that when I face it I
almost screamed. Part of my `me' problem was that I never really accepted myself
as a `normal' person. I was the girl who her mother had killed her father. In
Harvard I was the girl that could solve any type I was given. Here I was the
woman in love with her supervisor.
I am all of that and a lot more.
"Black&White, huh? I think I could give it a try."
"It's very nice."
"I bet."
He stays silent for a moment and I fight the urge to ask him what happened. With
the panic of the last hours gone I found myself more relaxed, so when he touches
my face I don't move. His touch is cool and welcome. He touches me as if I'll
brake or something.
"Okay, Black&White. Want something else?"
He tugs away and his voice is little shaken when he speaks.
"Greg?"
"I'll send him in."
**********
I wake up when he enters the room. I can feel that it's him, I can feel that
it's Grissom. The electricity in the room changed. The major problem with
Grissom and me is that we both are predators. We have different hunting style
although. He's like his spider. Waits until the victim come closer. I'm more
like a cheetah, I do lot, and quick attacks.
At the end of the day, he's still fresh and I'm exhausted.
"You shouldn't stare at people, Griss."
He comes and sits next to my bed. He takes my hand in his. That in our little
relationship is like having a few hours of rough sex. Then he kisses my hand and
I'm breathless. Did he do what I think he did or the drugs finally kicked? Maybe
the antibiotic did a weird mix with the morphine.
"How did you know that it was me?"
Easy, I spent a quarter of my life knowing that it was you. I'm pretty sure you
spent sometime thinking the same thing. You see, you are like the scorpion in
the myth. It's in your nature to deny things, that's why you are so good in your
job. The only question that I have is, why you don't deny your natural?
"Just knew."
"I realised that you know much more than me."
Probably, maybe. You should know better than to play with my heart, I didn't
play with yours, so yeah, I know more things than you do. As I know that, you
are scared now. You don't know what to do, do you Grissom? That's the only
reason why you kissed my hand. You're more dazed that I am.
"Greg?"
I ask just because I'm too tired for that now. I want to talk to you and I will
talk to you but not now. Tomorrow, after I rest, because frankly I don't think
that I could tell you what I want to tell you without starting to cry. And I
don't want you to think that it's the drugs that talking, so until tomorrow
then.
"I sent him home. Try to sleep, I'll be here."
You kiss my hand again. Boy, you really are scared. Why you are afraid so much?
Who left you? A woman, a parent? All my relationships had a time limit. You know
that I didn't believe that I had the right to be happy? I have every right to
happiness, but I just accept that. I was choosing emotional unavailable person
because that way I will never had what I wanted, therefore I couldn't be happy.
Justin, Dr. Cain made me realise that. He also made me realise that I was wrong.
My parent's actions don't represent mine and I don't represent my parents. I'm
not part of them, I'm the whole me. I realise that now. Every one of us carries
a demon. In my situation, the demon was me. My jujutsu sensei once had say to me
that I'm fire that burns everything and at the end I will burn myself. I should
guide, protect and lead people, not scared them away. I had dropped my lessons
the next day but two months ago, I started them again.
**********
I wake up in an empty room. Apollo has just started his daily routine. In Greek
mythology, Apollo was the one who guide the cart of sun into the sky and around
the earth. I bet I was the only three years old who knew things as that. I never
was what we call a `normal' child.
I try to stretch but soon I realise what stupid move this was. I bite my lips in
my try not to moan loud but I fail. Okay, I had done many stupid moves in my
life but that was the stupidest by far. That and telling to Grissom about my
`sex' experience on the airplane. I should have told him about my time in New
York's subway.
A soft knock in the door. Definitely not a doctor. Those guys just storm inside
like they own the place, witch somehow they do. The door slowly opens and I see
first Warrick's hair and then him. He's not sure if I'm wake and I can see the
battle in his face. He's turn between coming and going.
"I'm not biting you know."
He smiles with that and closes the door behind him.
"Hey girl."
He's holding his kit. I wonder how Grissom managed to hold back the
investigation; usually he's the first one to jump up in a case. I still can't
remember much of last day but if I'm switch's team case…
"Go easy with me. I'm sensitive."
He laughs and places his kit next to the bed. The only part that I will hate
will be the shooting part. It's not that I don't like taking my photo, it's that
usually I'm too damn pale after I sleep.
"You're from iron, Sidle."
"Should I go to the Wizard of Oz and plead him to give me a heart?"
He laughs harder.
"You're always like that after a night at the hospital?"
"No, must be you."
He doesn't answers back. He's wearing his gloves and then looks under my
fingers. I fight back? Greg told me last night what happened. He was actually
stunned that he had to tell me what happened.
"Warrick?"
"Aha?"
He's brushing my hair for evidence. They stick from dry blood and sweat.
"You said that I'm from iron, right?"
He continues to brush my hair.
"Aha."
"That makes me what? The iron maiden of the station?"
This time he laughs so hard that tears running down from his eyes. That's my
mechanism of dealing with situations as that. As I say, two months ago it would
be a bottle of vodka, but hey, it will pass. I know that it will pass as I know
that I'll not be alone.
**********
Grissom is holding my hand again.
"I convinced Curtis to stay."
I'm sure you would. You can be really charming if you want it Griss. I have no
problem with Sofia, if you exception the fact that I'm a little jealous of her.
I was jealous when you asked her out. I learn it from Hodges. From Hodges of all
people! He looked at me like he expected to burst in tears. When I didn't he was
heartbroken. Do you know what I did that day, after I learned that you asked
Sofia out? I swam 600m of butterfly, my heart was this close to stop but I kept
it up Grissom. 600m of fucking butterfly. I couldn't feel my legs at the end.
"Look at the sky Grissom. See at the back that a storm is coming? See all this
black clouds, full of rainwater? However, here the clouds are few and white as
sheep's. That's how my life is Griss."
"Sara…"
"You were never mine to loose you…I guess what I want to say Griss is that if
you happy with Sofia then be with her."